Niki Lauda is my spirit animal. I say that often. The obvious reasons are obvious, Niki was known for finding solutions and improvements when other people couldn’t. He was fast in a race car and did a lot of flying, even starting two airlines.
But the less obvious place where Niki and I align I talk about a lot less. He wasn’t very emotional, and openly admitted he was horrible at the romantic things that men should do for their women.
It’s not that I’m not emotional - quite the opposite, actually. I love music because I’m in awe of how music can express the things I simply cannot.
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how.
- Oasis, Wonderwall
This isn’t a love letter. I’m no good at that. This is simply a reflection on my life over the past quarter century… the part of my life where I’ve spent most of my time around Amy.
Everything good in my life comes from my wife.
Obviously Amy gave me amazing kids, takes care of all of us, and loves me even when I can’t figure out how to love myself.
I could attempt, and fail, to write all the traditional romantic things about how amazing she is. How she listens, how she’s there for me, all that. That’s really not what I’m talking about, though. I’m simply unable to write those kinds of articles.
What do I mean, then?
Take me where my heart will say yes
Where my mind will say no
- Shaimus, All of this
As discussed elsewhere, I’m a ridiculously rational person. I am in a constant struggle between what is optimal and what I (irrationally) enjoy. There is a joy in finding and executing the optimal solution to something, but the “optimal” calculation is cold, and rarely includes the experience and joy of the journey getting to the solution. Therefore, more often than not, the optimal way to win the game is to not play. Why would I want to do things that rob resources from my family?
I am very quick to deny myself things that would make me happy (or even simply would be good for me), simply because I decide they are pointless or wasteful. This is usually rooted in my perpetual belief that I am not worth whatever it is that I want.
Amy knows how to stop that. She fixes it.
Maybe an example?
I’m currently sitting at one of my favorite spots in the Magic Kingdom, finding a moment to write down thoughts I’ve had on my mind for years, using an iPad and a keyboard case. I carried the iPad here in a cool “satchel”, covered in cool pins that I love. I walked here in comfortable shoes that keep my feet, hips, and back from hurting. I drove to the parking lot in my Jetta GLI.
- I wouldn’t have a Disney pass without Amy encouraging me to get one, because she knew I needed somewhere to go disconnect. Without her I would be likely be at home in a chair or on a couch, not walking.
- I had decided to buy a base model Jetta. I had it picked out, and took Amy with me to drop me off at the dealership to buy it. She told me not to buy it, and instead buy the GLI. My Jetta GLI is the best car I’ve ever had, and perhaps could be the best car I will ever have. It’s exactly the right car for me. I’ve wanted a GLI my entire adult life, but I wasn’t going to buy one because that’s stupid. Amy made it clear it was stupid not to.
- My shoes are expensive shoes sized properly for me from a proper shoe store. Amy found the store and made the case for me to try real shoes. Left to my own devices, I would be wearing shoes purchased from Walmart in 2019, and I would not be able to walk without pain.
- Amy found my cool satchel. Amy told me it was okay to buy some pins I liked. I have since been able to trade for even more amazing ones.
- The iPad itself is here because Amy found a deal through Spectrum where I could get it.
- The keyboard case is here because Amy saw me messing with an old Chromebook in an attempt to make a portable writing machine and encouraged me to do it right. The iPad has cellular service, too, making me not beholden to random free public WiFi.
Amy has, for the last quarter century, inspired me to do things right, removing frustration and adding joy to my every day, in a billion little ways. When I want pizza for dinner she knows what to order. When I’m working she knows when to show up with a sandwich and a drink. When I’m stirring in my sleep she touches my back and I instantly relax and start snoring.
All of these big and tiny things are additive, they build on each other, building a life far beyond my ability to appreciate it properly.
She cares so deeply - we care so deeply - sometimes it’s hard to see where one of us ends and the other begins. It’s always been like that. Maybe knowing my pizza order is something that’s been learned along the way, but her desire to make my life better has been there from the very beginning; and my need to protect her, provide for her, and help her bloom has been there since the first moment I saw her.
Without her I wouldn’t be here now, as clearly apparent from everything so far. But it goes way, way deeper than that.
I fear that I am ordinary
Just like everyone
To lie here and die among the sorrows
Adrift among the days
- Smashing Pumpkins, Muzzle
I was never exceptional at everything. Well, except for the stuff I was exceptionally bad at. That was a long list.
At one point long ago, thought I’d never have kids. Not even one kid, much less three. What I told the world was the line that was popular at the time - I wanted to be able to do my own thing, whatever that would be. It was a lie.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want kids and a family, I simply could not imagine a world where that’s how life worked out for me. I wasn’t worth anyone’s time; I definitely wasn’t worth a woman’s time (What is a woman? Women are humans objectively better than me).
I was going to be a single computer nerd, maybe flying airliners or driving trucks or whatever. I wasn’t going to be able to afford housing, much less be interesting to anyone.
It’s ridiculously easy to get depressed and decide not to play the game when you’re told your existence is causing deforestation, racism, holes in the ozone layer, and starving children in Africa. On top of that, me, personally, was a failure. I was dumb, lazy, fat, got bad grades and would never get into college. Why would anyone want to hang out with that?
The best I could do with my life was whatever was optimal, whatever was smallest footprint, whatever bugged other people the least.
In the calculation of what’s optimal, there is no joy, no journey, and certainly no procreation. What I was going to chase was the occasional joy of a job well done, a system well optimized, a landing exactly on the marks.
I was dead before life had started; expecting and planning to be a cog in a machine that’s happy when the next gear turns.
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
- Oasis, Wonderwall (again)
Amy saved me. Amy continues to save me, every day. Every single good thing in my life has come to me via her; from the amazing children through the smallest thoughts. She has poured herself into our shared life and brings nothing but light to it.
I can only hope I, somehow, as impossible as it sounds, bring some goodness to her life also. I want to give her the world; for she has given the world to me.
footnote 1
Obviously not everything good in my life comes from Amy. I’ve been blessed in many ways at many points in my life, and one could easily argue that Amy was sent to me by God, so everything good comes from God. Sure. Whatever. I’m not here to argue semantics or religion (not today, at least). Everything good comes from Amy. It’s an objective fact, at least for this article. Accept it.