Psychiatric Evaluation, Summer (unverified date) 1938
Examiner: Dr. Ratcliff (assumed)
Patient: Joseph Knop
Transcribed from magnetic tape on 6 June, 1971
Transcribed by: Jacob Jackson
DR. RATCLIFF: Welcome back, Joseph
JOSEPH KNOP: Same questions again?
DR: We’ll see. Please lay down.
JK: Every time, the same questions… every six (inaudible)
DR: How old are you, Joseph?
JK: According to the calendar I just turned 28 years old. According to the doctor down the hall I’m closer to 50.
DR: How close?
JK: Well, he was unable to give an exact estimate- but it’s fair to say I’m not a normal 28 year old.
DR: Agreed. Why do you think this is?
JK: I’m not a doctor so I’m not (inaudible)
DR: Do you have an theories?
JK: I did a lot with my body when I was younger. Perhaps the body is a reservoir that can be drained dry, and I’ve drained mine faster than most.
DR: That’s an interesting theory. How did you come to it?
JK: I’m living it, so I had to rationalize what’s happening somehow.
DR: That’s okay.
JK: I’m not sure it is. I’d rather know the real reason.
DR: Is that why you’re back in school?
JK: Certainly part of the reason, yes. (Inaudible) and boredom. You folks won’t let me live life.
DR: We have good reasons (cutoff)
JK: I know, I know. Let’s get back on script.
DR: Okay. What is your earliest memory?
JK: Brightness. Not so much “Bright light” - that would have a source… this was just brightness from everywhere. I’d close my eyes to hide from it, but it didn’t help much. Slowly the brightness faded, until complete darkness, eyes open or closed. As the darkness came in I started seeing … they were streaks of light, or flashes, every now and then. Every few minutes (inaudible).
DR: How clear is this memory?
JK: As if it happened this morning. I remember every detail.
DR: But it’s your earliest memory - it must have occurred long ago. How do you explain having this memory, and it being so clear?
JK: I imagine re-telling it every time I come in here makes it easier to (cutoff)
DR: I am saying that most people do not remember early memories so clearly.
JK: Most people have boring early memories. Mine was more memorable.
DR: Even so.
JK: I do not have an explanation.
DR: Moving on. (Pause) What do you remember next?
JK: I remember becoming exhausted, and falling asleep for what felt like days. Afterwards I woke up in what I later learned to be a church, and met my family.
DR: Does this church still exist?
JK: Yes, my parents still attend.
DR: And you recognize it?
JK: The view is a little different being taller, but yes, it is the same church.
DR: Can you take me there?
JK: You can take yourself there. (Inaudible)
DR: Moving on. Your childhood.
JK: You know all about my childhood. We talk about it every six months.
DR: Yes, and thank you for our talks. They provide insight.
JK: Can we skip it this time?
DR: That depends. Do you have something you’d like to talk about?
JK: (inaudible) not really (?) (inaudible)
DR: How about more recent events? Say, the past three years?
JK: Straight to that, eh? Okay.
DR: How did you feel when you lost your powers?
JK: I didn’t lose them all at once. I just got weaker over time. That gave me time to accept it, in many ways, time to not even notice it.
DR: How do you mean?
JK: Well I suppose the most obvious one was flight. I used to fly faster than sound, but over time I found I couldn’t go that fast anymore. But hey, I could still fly! That’s amazing, right?
DR: Agreed.
JK: So then it got a little slower, and a little lower, and (inaudible)
DR: Until one day you couldn’t fly anymore?
JK: I think I stopped trying to fly well before I lost the ability entirely. There’s no point anymore when you have to strain to touch the ceiling.
DR: Training and practice didn’t help?
JK: No. I tried that at first, I assumed that I was losing my powers due to lack of training… but the more I trained, the faster the powers faded.
DR: Perhaps that contributed to your “body is a reservoir” theory?
JK: Maybe.
DR: How did the loss make you feel?
JK: Powerless? Relieved? Honestly it happened so slowly, I feel like I transitioned nicely (inaudible)
DR: I wouldn’t call binge drinking “transitioning nicely”
JK: There was that, yes, but what else would you expect? I can’t even save a cat from a tree.
DR: Without a ladder, I can’t either. You mentioned “Relieved.” What do you mean by that?
JK: (inaudible)
DR: Describe it more.
JK: The worst I’ve ever felt was immediately after I realized I was … happy … that I couldn’t help anymore. Relieved I couldn’t do anything special for those in need. I felt guilty and selfish.
DR: Is this when the drinking started?
JK: (inaudible) apathy (inaudible) yes.
DR: Are you mended now?
JK: I’m not sure such a thing can be mended.
DR: You aren’t drunk now.
JK: That doesn’t mean I won’t be later!
DR: You are much better than you were a year ago.
JK: Almost anything is better than what I was a year ago.
DR: So what changed?
JK: (inaudible). Reality has a way of setting in. I’ve been told it’s okay for me to be selfish and enjoy my life, I guess that helps stomp down the guilt some. I’ve also stopped all of my involvement with newspapers. Even reading them. (Pause) I used to feel guilty about not being old enough to help end the Great War - but that was outside of my control, I was young. Despite years of blaming myself, I have come decide that the loss of my powers was also outside of my control. As such I can’t feel guilty for the problems of today.
DR: That sounds like growth. Healing, even.
JK: (Inaudible) just hiding. Hiding from news and events, hiding from places where I used to be able to help.
DR: I disagree. You can only hide from situations you can impact, we are talking about ones you can’t impact.
JK: Maybe. I still don’t like it.
DR: One more and then (inaudible). How do you feel about the comic book?
JK: That’s amazing, isn’t it? I actually tied to contact the authors to give them some “ideas” for stories. They did not mail me back.
DR: I do not recommend contact.
JK: I figured you wouldn’t. Don’t worry, I don’t want to move again. I’ll never get post back from the authors. I’m just a chump with bad ideas.
DR: That’s all for now. Thank you for coming out.
JK: Just let me know when you want to hear the same stories again.
(Noises of someone leaving room)
(End of tape)